I was raised knowing Christ, but as a teenager I grew rebellious towards my parents and after high school I drifted away from the God I knew as a child. I moved to a town far away from my family and began a relationship with a young man I met at college. When I became pregnant our first thought was to have an abortion. We both thought we were too young to have a child. We had “plans” for our lives that did not include raising a child or being tied-down. A traditional lifestyle was something that we thought was ridiculous and out-dated.  

The friends I had were young women who considered themselves “modern” and “progressive” We believed that we were liberated and free thinking people who weren’t caught up in the “old fashioned” ways of our parents. All the women in my age group that I was friends with had had abortions. We told each other that it was okay to have abortions – all the literature we read said it was good, the doctors we saw didn’t try to stop us, the government made it legal. It was a simple medical procedure – nothing else – and it would solve our problem for us. For the right amount of money we could go on with our life as if nothing had changed. 

My boyfriend took me to the abortionist and paid for the procedure. The doctor performed the abortion in his office and gave me horrible aftercare recommendations. As a result, I got a terrible infection. Later, that doctor was forced to stop practicing. The infection was nothing compared to the emotional trauma that I felt deep inside. 

When I was child, Jesus claimed me for himself and even though I had wandered far from him, he hadn’t forgotten about me. Deep inside me there was a voice that was telling me that what I had done was wrong. I felt incredible sadness and loss, but I had no one that I could talk to about it. I thought my friends wouldn’t understand and I felt I couldn’t tell my parents because they would judge me and hate me. I felt alone and I began to hate myself. 

My relationship with my boyfriend changed too. We began to have problems, he couldn’t understand my depression, I couldn’t understand how he was just “going on” with his life. We both wanted something that the other one was unable to provide. I had two more pregnancies that I aborted. There was a huge conflicting desire within me – there was something missing – my child, and I thought about them frequently, but the lifestyle that I had fallen into made me think that having a child would be a mistake that I would regret – a child would force me to give up my life for them – and all around me I got the message that having a child is a burden and a sacrifice and something to be avoided at all costs. Only now do I know how wrong I was in thinking that. 

My relationship with my boyfriend was slowly torn apart. We spiraled down into a life that included drug abuse, depression, infidelity and violence. It was a terrible life and I hated it. I hated myself for living it and putting up with it. Finally, I decided to just end it. I was so sick and tired of wallowing in my filth and I didn’t see a way out. One night after another fight with my boyfriend I went home and I took everything in the medicine cabinet. I just wanted some peace in my life. I passed out and the bathroom floor and later I was awakened by someone lifting me up and trying to help me walk. As I passed in front of a full-length mirror on the way to my bedroom I saw two beings, they were bright and glowing and there was one on either side of me helping me to my bed. I believe that angels came to minister to me that night. I believe that God sent them to me to save my life, and I will never forget that. I began to feel different after that night. 

Soon after that experience God gave me the strength to finally get away from my boyfriend for good. Jesus, the Good Shepard, began leading me back to him. It wasn’t an overnight process. I am a very hardheaded person, but God knew what to do to bring me back. Eventually, I got back into church; I had a beautiful daughter that is a blessing straight from God. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t feel like the luckiest person in the world to be her mom. I have never regretted it. Not on the nights I’ve had to be up with her when she was sick, not when she cried and I didn’t know what to do to make her happy, not during the times when I had to spend money on her instead of myself. She is the opposite of everything that I heard about having children. She has given me so much more than I will ever give her. I cannot thank God enough for giving her to me. 

God also gave me a wonderful husband who is loving and understanding, and who also loves God. But even with all these blessings, I still felt deep down that I was a bad person, undeserving of this goodness. I went through cycles of depression and I didn’t know why. All the feelings that I had about my abortions I pushed deep down. They had taken root inside me and became so much of who I was that I didn’t even recognize them anymore.  

In 2006 I became pregnant and during the sixth month of my pregnancy our child passed away. Our son’s death was devastating, of course, it broke our hearts and was one of the most, if not the most, difficult experiences I have ever gone through. While mourning my son all the old feelings about my past abortions began to bubble to the surface. It was a very difficult time, but God had not abandoned me, he led me to meet Tim and Deanna Glass. Their testimony touched me and Deanna put me in touch with Sisters In Christ. Going through the Journey to Grace Bible Study with Sherry was a life-changing experience.  

I found out that God did forgive me for all my sins – no matter how horrible they were. God still loved me and he wanted to heal me, not punish me. I was overwhelmed with Jesus’ kindness for me. I was so grateful to have my children back, to be able to know them and claim them as my children and not some abstract mistakes. Even though I don’t deserve this goodness, I know that Jesus died on the cross to purchase my forgiveness so that I could one day be with my children. I will be able to hold them and love them, as I never did on earth. How can anyone put into words what that means? 

I appreciate so much the work that Sisters In Christ does, and I am so thankful that Jesus led me to them.  

“When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” ~ Romans 6: 20-23